After we arrived at the hospital I under went my first series of tests; which would continue the following day as the testing was a 2 day procedure. Pat and I realized that I forgot my insulin and figured the roads would have cleared up by the time we were finished at the hospital. We proceeded to the high way and everything appeared slow but moving. We decided to venture home and simply make the journey back the following day....did I hear an echo?? stupid stupid yup... needless to say after a short period of time they closed the high way.....even though we were still on it.
We watched several cars pass us and later end up in the ditch on the side of the road, 37 in total. In front of us was a tractor trailer who eventually made eye contact with us as he slid across the lane.. a mere cars length in front of us... let's just say I am certain that Pat now has white knuckle syndrome. Eventually we came to a complete stop. 9 hours. Eventually we were re-directed the opposite way and ended back where we started in London at 2:30 in the morning. Of course because of my testing I was not allowed any caffeine....holy crap do you have any idea what I would have done last night for a friggen coffee?? yeah pretty much anything..... The good news is that we survived and now live to share yet another great adventure.....
We arrived at the hospital and proceeded with the rest test, stress test, mibi test.... my sugars were so high that they would not administer the injection for the test..Paperwork, and a plea, the hospital pharmacy sent up some insulin. An hour and a half later my sugar was still very high but they were satisfied enough to proceed. After the testing was complete the cardiologist advised us that he would recommend a passing grade for surgery! I was so happy to hear that...but I mean of course...yes I don't want to go through the surgery but at least now I have heard a cardiologist say that my chances of having a heart attack on the table are minimal.... so for that I am elated!
So let me go back to the morning when I woke up..no change of clothing , no pain meds, very little sleep and NO coffee...oh was I a raving ITCH.... I was pissed off to say the least this morning. I wanted to cancel my appointment, I could care less if my heart was good or not. I hated Pat. Why? I don't know, he just deserved to be hated I guess. What was interesting to me was the feeling that I had in my legs when I woke up. It was like they were rubber and could not move. I imagined that it is the same feeling a death penalty prisoner feels like when they walk the last hallway before death. That is the only way I can describe how I felt this morning and truthfully as I continue this evening. I don't want to die.
I have been doing this cathartic journey of love, peace, joy, acceptance, facing fears..you name it ...I have thought about it , prayed for it and on my knees I am begging to survive. I am. I know that I have been doing what I need to do to prepare for all that I am longing to have....but I am not sure that I have done exactly what I have wanted to ...truly wanted to do. Again TIME is a bastard...I in a sense have only 2 days left before I go and it feels like it will be 30 seconds from now.
I am scared. I don't usually back down with fear; I guess I am feeling so good about where I am on a personal level that I don't want this life "high" to end. I have so much to do and have so many big plans for when I get better. I just hope and pray to God that I get a chance. I even found myself praying on the way home today. I mean that is not a big deal as I usually find myself praying here or there....but today I was doing the "bad praying" you know like when you are at the bingo...O-75 oh come on God please... please please or Come on 7- 7 Double 7.....I mean I have never gambled to know THAT kind of praying... but t was like that. It was sincere in that I was praying but it was a desperate "I am too good of a person to die" kind of begging... I felt ashamed by it, Again let me tell you this I DO NOT FEAR DEATH- I just don't want it to happen yet...But don't worry I will say that same damn thing when I am 90! No one wants to die. And besides my dad always tells me "only the good die young" whomp whomp.
This is who I want to be....
Which brings my mind in the craziness of thoughts to my days when my buddy Les gave me a blinged out sling shot and a dozen eggs for my 40th birthday...ALL eggs were deployed and I am grateful that I am a mischievous woman by nature... now if I start telling you all the things that confirm my fathers suggestion...I will definitely have all of you wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. My husband is bald for a reason. (evil laugh ensues)
Today while driving home on the nice dry highway, the sun was shining and I was happily sipping back my 2nd X- Large Tim Hortons Coffee in deep heavy thoughts. Which I am sure you can imagine. With all the ideas brewing in my head ...oh how hard it was to smile. Although I am content in my life....I am so scared that it is not even funny. My fear is fueling my anger and bitterness. Like gasoline on a small fire. One minute I am happy that I have such amazing children and the next I am raging with thoughts of "how dare you take me away from them". To... I am so very thankful for my husband and our over 25 years together....and then I cry with thoughts of him being alone... It is all too much. I guess I should just concede and take a sleeping pill and try to forget all my thoughts. The problem is even when I sleep I dream of negative thoughts and people that I don't want to deal with.
Did you just call an ambulance from the psych ward for me? haha ya that is where I feel I am headed! lol. I am certified nutso right now. Ok not completely insane. I am in complete control of my insanity. I am truly fine and I guess how I am feeling right now is exactly how anyone in my position would be feeling; I seek comfort in that. I will stop writing now and get back to making my photo albums that I will be bringing to London with me. Just so you know many of you that are on my facebook list .....I have printed pictures of you to bring with me. I call this book "My Army". I am not going through this alone; I know this. You have all supported me and have shown me that hope is alive and well.
I know that my emotions are not really in check tonight as I am tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed, thank you once again for reading my thoughts.
~Christine~
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